Adventures in Shopping

It's an adventure for me, anyway. I take Evan and Amelia out all of the time. I can't just stay home. I need the excitement that only Target or Publix can bring me. But, with the excitement also comes the aggravation. Of people. Following me around and trying to converse with me about them. I don't mind the people who just stop and take a look and say how cute they are. Because they are. I know this. But the people who give me advice or ask stupid questions can take a leap.

Here in order of aggravation are the top questions and comments, Letterman style:

10) Wow, that stroller is really long. How can you handle all that? That must be annoying.
My response: You learn quickly. I can handle anything now.
What I want to say: Not as annoying as you.

9) Are they identical?
My response: No. They are a boy and a girl.
Their response: Yeah, but are they identical?
My response: No. The boy has boy parts and the girl doesn't. So they aren't identical.

8) Good Luck- you're going to need it.
My response: Thanks, I'll take all the luck I can get. (Insert fake smile.)
What I want to say: Good luck getting rid of that ugly all over your face.

7) My sister's husband's cousin has twins. They're both boys, though. And they are doing very well in school. Ones in t-ball right now.....
My response: That's nice- as I push the stroller away while they are still talking.
What I want to say: I don't care. I just don't care. Go away.

6) How do you do it? I can't handle one.
My response: You just do it and it's not that bad.
What I want to say: I feel sorry for your child.

5) Wow, twins. Are they boys, girls, or one of each?
My response, and I've actually said this: The one wearing pink is a girl and the one wearing blue is a boy.

4) Twins? Whose side do they run on?
My response is something different every time. It's gotten to the point where I like to make up stories and make them wish they never asked.

3) I have twins. It will get better, then it will get worse.
My response: Oh, really?
What I want to say: Do you really want to tell me that? Is it really going to change anything for me? What do you want me to do about it? Give them away? Everyone I talked to with twins has had a different experience than other people with twins. All babies are different. They are just two babies with individual personalities. How do you really know how it will be for me? Your kids don't seem as neat as mine do. Cause I'm their Mom and I'm awesome and you don't seem awesome, so leave me alone!!!

2) Are you breastfeeding?
My response: Not anymore. It was just too much.
Her response (one in particular from a couple of days ago still urks me): Well, I breastfed all three of my kids until they were 1.
My response: That's great- insert another fake smile.
What I wanted to say: All 3 at the same time? Cause it sounds to me like you are talking three separate babies, emphasis on the separate. Did any of your children have problems when they were born? Were your babies as small as mine were? Cause it looks like you probably popped out some 9 pounders. Listen lady..... And I would continue to tear her a new one.

1) You need to put them on the same schedule. You need to change them and prop them up and feed them at the same time. (One lady with twins said she did this.)
My response: No, I prefer to take care of them one after the other.
What I want to say: So you want me to have no physical contact with my babies while they have their bottle? Your poor children. They must have major issues now. I enjoy being with my babies. They each need their mommy time and love when I hold them to eat. And you think I should change them both at the same time? So if one has a dirty diaper, change the dry one? Or let him sit in it until the other one goes? That is so stupid. It takes the same amount of time whether or not you do it at the same time. You are still changing two diapers you stupid wh#%&!!