4 Things to Know

Being pregnant is an automatic entry into a secret club. Things happen to you that were never told to you before you were pregnant. These things are not in books. Women who have had children do not tell women without children of these things. It's a cult. I now know of these things from joining the cult, but thankfully have not experienced the ones that would be too gross to post here. Most of them, anyway. I think. (Not that I would tell you.) I guess that means I am continuing the secrecy. I have, however, had some crazy G-rated things happen, so I will share. Because they are funny, of course.

1) The challenge of eating: I didn't know this was a pregnant thing until my sister confirmed this. I cannot eat anything without getting it on my shirt. It's like a carnival game. No matter how good I aim, I miss my mouth. My sister says that I'm so focused on getting the calories in, that I just throw the food at my face. I even forgot how to drink liquids.

2) Snoring: I've known that I've been snoring more, but what I heard coming out of me a few days ago was out of this world. I woke up in the middle of a snore and it sounded like I was an extra in Star Wars. Maybe from the bar scene in Episode IV. I really hope that I have not been communicating with aliens at night.

3) Hair Loss!?!: Everything I have read says that pregnant women have thick, illustrious hair. I hate to burst people's bubbles, but it is not always true! The truth is that there are three stages of hair (stagnant, loss, new growth) and the hormone progesterone makes a pregnant women's hair get stuck in one of these three patterns all at once. Turns out that right now, I am stuck in the "loss" pattern. What kind of BS is that?

4) Memory Loss: I couldn't remember this one. But I knew there were four things, so I thought really hard and remembered! Yay! I think memory loss during pregnancy is pretty well known, but it is absolutely true so I had to mention it. Last week I told John (I guess) that I was going to make Peanut Butter Balls. Twenty minutes later I started making them. I told him to stay out of the kitchen because I was making him a surprise. Then I said, "surprise!" and gave him a PB Ball and he was a little bewildered. Because I already told him I was making them. I do not remember telling him at all! We have conversations and then I'll ask him about the same subject 10 minutes later. I don't remember having the conversation!

To my single or childless friends out there, who may someday want to be crazy and procreate, I will disclose all "things" if asked. I should also add that every pregnancy is different and you can't go by any book. You can only find out the real deal by joining the cult!